you are every color and brushstroke

Dear universe,
I would like something good to happen to me. Instead of losing friends, getting violently ill, having no future, and destroying my Mac which I use for school…. How about something that’s not so taxing on my mind/body/intellect?

Maybe a bunny magically appears outside my apartment.
Maybe my Mac gets fixed for a reasonable price

Maybe the few people I speak to dont abandon me. Maybe I hear back from grad schools. Hear good things. Maybe I don’t have cancerous cells in my cervix anymore. Maybe I stop getting so sick I can’t go to school. Maybe this Carnegie Mellon nightmare ends. Maybe I feel well enough to do yoga or run. Maybe I stop wanting to get hit by a car.

Maybes are futile.

-s.

i don’t want to walk at graduation. i just want my diploma. end of story. no one sees. no one has to say a blurb about me. i just get to leave. 

what a fucking low point. why is every semester a low point

I am ever so thankful for Monica and Jake. They have made this surgery/recovery/notjumpingoutthewindow so much better than it would have been alone. If there is any reason to be alive it is the two of them. 

It’s okay that my friends abandon me, or that I may not be the best at things, or that my health is never great. 

I can count the friends I have on my hands. Probably one hand. I’m sure that in ten years, if i get that far, that this will all have been some really great learning experience. 

Lately I have been really discouraged by the flood of unfortunate events that seem to have broken through the wall of false strength. I am finishing up my grad school applications, something my heart isn’t fully into. I thought i would be happy to graduate and onto medical school by now, but I guess things never go as planned. My family is in India and not only do my parents not really know about my applications, when I tried to tell them they got angry and refused to listen. I have hypothyroidism, cervical dysplasia, and a cyst in my uterus area that needs surgery, and the flu at the moment. I don’t know how to tackle anything that is being thrown my way. I’m not sure how to go into the semester because I’m afraid of what will happen in the end. I’m afraid that regardless of the fact that I’m 22 and an adult capable of making life decisions, my parents will force me to move back to texas and I will fall back into extreme depression. I think about the places that I have friends. Not really any place. I have jake here and my sister at home. that is pretty much it. laura is in austin. i don’t know. 

i’m exhausted. i don’t want to treat any of the medical problems i have because i’m tired of hearing bad news. these things arent supposed to happen to women my age who take care of themselves. i eat right and i work out. oh well. 

sometimes i wonder if i got into carnegie mellon by accident, if i’m just regular, everyone talks about the students of cmu like they’re filled with this talent, intelligence, skill, prospect…that only special kinds of people have. i don’t know if i’m like that. or if i’ll be as great as everyone else here. 

must be the flu talking. 

being a student is like putting life on hold and living in a continuum of semesters. you put your life on hold for the day off. the breaks. the days that are free and in between. when you near completion you have to take charge of your life and the people in it. when you realize that the people in it are also part of the suspension, everything is quiet. you have to be alone because regardless of the suspensions, the moving parts, the parts that are miscible….you’re always the only thing thats the same.