you are every color and brushstroke

my inability to relate to people is becoming a problem. 

today is a hard day. 
i feel incredibly jealous and am trying to let go of that.
i feel at a loss for choice. i don’t know how to choose between a person i love and my education (location wise i suppose).

the last risk i took was coming to CMU. that didn’t turn out too well.

I had someone tell me I couldn’t be a doctor and a mother. 


You’re wrong.  

I sit alone, usually in the dark (who wants to pay electricity bills?) until its time to go to bed. This kind of loneliness is unbearable. The kind that forces you to rely on one person with hopes that they will never tire of your company.

I am watching myself sit through the day. I have so many things I could should would be doing but there is a point when the time you spend in your own mind is so long and consuming that you can no longer do anything alone. Painting reading eating sleeping homework cleaning running yoga. All my time is spent with me. I need other people. I want to go home. Where there are at least three people longing for my company.

i’m having a panic attack. or not a panic attack. but the kind that lasts longer than a panic attack. and i can’t talk to anyone. and i need jake. but i don’t want to wake him up. and i feel really alone. and i want to do things that are not good. i dont know what to do im sad i feel like i did when i was 16. i don’t know how to take care of anything anymore. all i can do is write in on a stupid blog that is invisible and pointless. i am trying to help myself but the thoughts won’t go away i feel like someone lives inside my head and it’s making me feel crazier than i am. 

In high school I tried to do everything. Much like now, I was heavily involved in art, and science. I took all the AP classes and the required classes. I played flute in the band. I was in the orchestra. I had two or three leadership positions. I was a runner outside of the athletic program. I merged them all together. I was involved outside of school in a clinical shadowing experience. I played flute in my temple’s orchestra. Everyone pushed me really hard and then they stopped pushing, but I pushed myself-probably too much. 

Most people hear my major, or the things I have interest in, and say-wow that’s amazing, you must be so smart/talented/blah blah. Maybe they’re right. I don’t really know. 

I do know that no one ever said, it is okay to excel in something. Or perhaps everyone told me but I stopped listening. 

Specifically for medical school, you have to do everything. They want someone really well rounded. You get to do school. shadowing. research. social life. service. hobbies. you. everyone else + you.  

maybe i’m just not quite enough to be that candidate, but i made the worst decision of my college career by trying to do everything. 

No one tells you that you can’t be depressed. sad. bipolar. borderline. You’re just told that one day you’ll grow up and it will go away.

School doesn’t change you. You change school. You don’t get to move away from your family and hometown and become someone else (of course people do that but i’m not talking about the exception). If you don’t make the decision to turn your life around, your life will drag you along with it and you’ll always be the same person with the same problems but in a different place…and that place is often not the safe place. 

I went across the country. I thought running away from everything old would solve everything new and that was the biggest lie i told myself. I have had a traumatic experience or setback that has been out of my control every semester of my three years at CMU.

I’m realizing now that I am really mediocre at the two things I thought I would excel at. I divided my life and compartmentalized everything to the point where I CAN’T DO IT ALL.
Admitting that to myself is really difficult and I really really hope it starts to stick in my mind. I don’t have balance, happiness, success, or satisfaction- all the things that i thought i would have by this time. I have a box filled with some amazing things and a lot of terrible things. I thought that box would be filled with organized, clean, resolved messes, but its still a huge clutter. my life is a clutter that i don’t give myself time to figure out.

I let myself plummet into a field(s) that i could not handle because my mental and physical state is broken.

It’s like i’m wearing shoes that don’t fit. The shoes are giving me blisters and my feet are bleeding as I walk. Every so often the walk breaks into a run, a sprint, a jog, and back to a walk. Even when I fall and getting back up seems unbearable, I don’t put on shoes that fit. I know that the solution is letting my feet heal, giving myself time, and finding the shoes that fit…but I feel like the track i’m heading down won’t let me pause. 

I don’t know when, where, or how to stop.
___
It’s not fair to me or the people I love/love me that the thing that consumes my thoughts is ending my life. I know that, and for the sole reason that I have an intellect, I will try my best to never do such a thing. I just really wish I didn’t think about it. i’m sure a lot of people never have that thought graze their minds. 



I miss my family. I want to figure out my life so I can stop living in the terrifying world I have created for myself. I really want to get better so I can accomplish the things I am passionate about. The things I think that I am capable of, but because I won’t take care of myself I’m blinded by the incapability of my situation. :(

It’s okay not to do everything. There is a balance in keeping all that you love in your life but finding a way to master one and be satisfied with the rest. 

my GI in houston won’t give me a referral to the hospital in ohio

i feel like i’m not a person. that im being shafted by a system that shouldn’t be happening. 

I feel like I wasted my parents money. 

i feel like if i don’t go to medical school i will disappoint myself and everyone around me.

most of all i feel like everyone around me is striving for happiness, good friends, good memories, and a life defined by their families, relationships, and experience- school is just a part of it. my entire basis of happiness is defined by my success in college, medical school, and career. I don’t wake up thinking about the former list of everyone else..i just think about the fact that if i don’t succeed in the things i somehow merited to be ‘success worthy’ then i mean nothing. my life is as useful under a bus. and that is such stupid thinking. at least i know that.