you are every color and brushstroke

I don’t think there’s going to be a day where i feel well. when i stop being sick. when i stop throwing up. when my head stops screaming at me. when people stop probing me with medication and treatment. today is really difficult and i’m trying to find a alternative way to think about it, but obviously didn’t try hard enough. 

I have a lot of dreams. Particularly lucid ones…but when i wake up i can’t remember which ones were real. 

my memories are made of dreams lately and it’s confusing to have to differentiate within the mass of dreams i had …

i said i would stop now. but i think i can go at least 7 more. 

I watched the movie, The Skin I live In the other day…what a piece of art.  

i have 14 dollars to my name. 
this is truly pathetic.

i have to start going back to therapy and i dont want to.
it’s pointless and a huge waste of money.

i’m painting a blood fluke. but right now it looks like a penis. i really don’t want it to end up looking like a penis. what a weird conceptual discussion that would be in crit.  

I am going to try these organization sheets to try to balance my life and my time and my mind. 

 

Being surround by people and feeling utterly alone is too common a problem to be a problem. It’s what everyone says they feel like, and thus not worthy of commenting. But I’m not surrounded by anyone. I in fact flee from the people I could be surrounded by and then feel the need to be sad about it. Wallow in my self-imposed pit of loneliness. Like most things my brain is plagued by, this feeling is some twisted form of sabotage that i have decided, no, demanded, mandated, that my mind put onto the rest of me.

I’m modeling for a show called lunar gala at school…why? i have no idea. It is everything I am afraid of doing and dislike most. But after practice i realized when we were being fitted or walking, i hudled in the corner with my organic chemistry notes and watched, rather irritably, the other people around me. i find things to dislike about the people i would possibly adore because it seems safe and certain. If i don’t have friends, then my friends can’t become my enemies. I have no desire for human contact. Unless you count a constant yearning for conversation, touch, and understanding as human contact.

I believe I am an ordinary impostor in my life. I think I slithered into this part of my life unnoticed and unqualified for the tasks which i present myself with. I am trying to struggle. I am trying to crawl out from beneath the rubble of what I created. I expect myself to fail because I am not really what I think I am or what others see me as. What i desire most is irrational, impossible, and unimaginable. What I strive to be is not attainable by an individual with my biological composition, yet I will not accept this.

I am confused as to when I make excuses for my ailments. when the ailments are actually occurring, and when i am simply being strong. and overcoming them.

this confusion is awfully tiring, and as this semester begins, and i have yet to impose changes upon my previous behaviors of isolation, perpetual fatigue and sleeping, and starvation…i realize that the changes I want, will never arrive because maybe I do not believe that I want those changes as much as I have convinced myself.
I am two different people. I have to start unifying them or i’ll stay in this limbo of a self-rampaging monster who wants to wither away unnoticed.

i think it is okay to want to be noticed. to want to be touched. to want someone to acknowledge you, because you believe that these things are deserved. i would like very much to believe that i deserve the things that humanity is defined for.