hi
Sometimes I feel so indescribably full of something, like my entire chest neck and face are swelling with something warm, something that feels wonderful but mostly makes me anxious…and i just can’t get rid of it when i spend time with him or when i see him…or when i think about him..or when i tell someone about him. I think i’m actually completely in love with another human that i’ve only known for 6 months, but that i want to get to know even more..and i want to keep knowing forever. its like i want to absorb every little thing about this person and learn what they think about real issues and small issues and religion and nail clippers and art and apples. and everything in between, outside, and above. i want this person to be there always and i cant get it out of my head. i don’t fall asleep for hours because i almost feel plagued with the amount of love i have for him and the amount of care that i need to purge from my body every second or it will explode. i just want to be near him at all times and that feeling is scary and uncomfortable and i don’t think its safe to feel so strongly about someone because they might not stay. and i’m so afraid of letting myself be sad around him even though it happens every day, but when i get stressed out all my insecurities replicate like phage in a host and its terrible. and i am so afraid he will stop loving me and start to see me as a girl with a problem and he said i needed to love myself but i don’t think im at that place. i’m only twenty. i have my whole life to learn to accept myself. i’ve come a long way from where i was two years ago. i love who i am trying to become and who i am to jake. but i need him to love me enough to make up for that sometimes.
and i just want to tell him all these things because my heart can’t keep it inside. but i think that would just make him uneasy. i dont think he feels this way yet, or if he did it is digressing into a lesser feeling. but i hope, i really hope he sticks around, because i think he’s the love of my life. and that is coming from someone who doesn’t believe in soul mates or true love or any of that. i just need this person. i need him and i want him and i want a life with him. and i want him to want that too:(
cestvoliere posted this
